Top 10 Classic Chav Car Accessories Everyone In Northern Ireland Loves To Hate
Posted on 18/12/17
Thankfully, things seem to have changed for the better since the chav chic heyday of the mid-2000s, but here in Northern Ireland you’ll still be intimately familiar with the chav car.
Seemingly designed exclusively to attract PSNI attention and rattle the teeth of anyone within range of their oversized subwoofers, they’re often found parked askew in a McDonalds car park or doing 90mph in a school zone with all manner of awful protuberances and hideous stickers tacked onto them.
Here’s ten of the most reviled classic chav car characteristics we guarantee everyone in NI can’t help but love to hate!
10. Dark tinted windows
What could a vehicle that spends the majority of its time prowling the rain-soaked back streets of a Craigavon estate possibly need more than tinted windows? But these just aren’t any tinted windows…
These are blacker than black, seemingly made of welder glass or the kind of material used on astronaut helmets to block out the glare of the sun. Practicality? Don’t even know how to spell it, m8.
9. Outrageously lowered suspension
To some, it seems that sitting lower than Danny DeVito in a go-kart equals attention. If they could, they’d ride with their bare rump scraping along the tarmac just to prove how hard they are.
Unfortunately, they can usually afford only one low-riding bucket seat for themselves, so their mate in the passenger seat has to sit a foot above him. Add cheap lowering springs and the chav car becomes the vertically-stunted bane of speed bumps all over the province.
8. The black reek
The one major problem with spending so much of your money on modifications is that the car itself, which lies imprisoned underneath four grand’s worth of bodykit, is usually pretty cheap and extremely nasty.
The underpowered, smoke-belching horror the chav ends up with will fill the air with the ‘black reek’, a thick jet of obsidian fog that’ll blot out the sun and trigger asthmatic attacks for miles around.
7. Ridiculously oversized wheels
You can near enough guarantee that if his car came with 15-inch wheels as standard, the local smick will try his very damndest to fit 21-inch rims inside them. As a result, one of the most common ways to pick out a chav’s car is by the fact that it looks like it’s trundling along on bin lids.
One of the many, many downsides of spending more on the wheels than the car itself is that if any fellow delinquents decide to steal them, he’s just lost more than half the total value of his car.
6. Custom windscreen stickers
You’ve most likely seen these plastered across the top of the windscreen, rendered in a font that should come with an epilepsy warning declaring to everyone within eyeshot: “MICKEY & CHANELLE 4EVA”.
Also related are the horrible ‘Babe On Board’ and ‘Powered By Fairydust’ decals common in the windows and on the bumpers of female chav’s cars, like the automotive equivalent of vajazzling and hen party sashes.
5. Ugly body kits
If there’s one thing more than anything else that defines the chav car, it’s usually a cheap and poorly-made bodykit so big and so hideous that you’ll be left wondering whether there’s really even a car underneath it all.
Few would fail to admit to a mild prang of schadenfreude any time they see a chav take a speed bump at high velocity and it rips the kit clean off the tortured Peugeot 306 underneath.
4. Fart can exhausts
Bodykits aside, no smick’s car is complete without a cheap aftermarket exhaust that’s the size of a war memorial and chromed as shiny as the greasiest teenager’s forehead.
These watermelon-launcher exhaust pipes can comfortably swallow a toddler with room to spare, and are so loud they’ll loosen the fillings of anyone within a two-mile radius.
3. Under-body lighting
Spotting a spide in his car late at night is a lot like an alien abduction. It starts with being bathed in a mysterious green glow, before a strange-looking craft moves at incredible speed towards you with humanoid figures inside shouting in a strange and incomprehensible language.
If there’s one good thing about underglow lighting, it’s that you can spot it from a good distance and can adjust your course appropriately. It’ll also give ants a nice suntan. Rumour has it that some chav lights are strong enough to be seen through the tinted windows of other chav cars, but this remains as yet unverified.
2. Fake badging
Sticking an eBay-sourced M3 badge on your dad’s rusty old 318i does not make it an M3. And please, the only thing a Type R badge on a Vauxhall Corsa does is telegraph to the world just how deluded you are. (Yes, that is an actual real-life example we spotted!)
The people the chav attempts to fool with his fake badging likely know little about cars and, as such, won’t care one jot. Anybody who does know will simply peg him as the eejit he is.
1. Massive subwoofers
An absolute must for the number one slot, if there’s one thing that sets the Northern Irish chav’s car apart from any other it’s the huge subwoofers that pound DJ Sammy’s ‘Heaven’ into the eardrums of all for miles around.
There are a few unwritten rules that chavs must adhere to when choosing a stereo system, unwritten only because they didn't pay much attention in school. One, it must be the most expensive part of the car. Two, it must have a CD player. Three, it must always, always, always be at full volume, particularly in residential areas after midnight.
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